I have long been a fan of chatting on the bus when iI see people I know, and have often had a great conversations after bumping into neighbours or people I haven’t seen for a while, but I don’t generally strike up a conversation with complete strangers. However, after reading about some of the research done by Nick Epley and Juliana Schroeder I have been reconsidering my actions.
Epley and Schroeder conducted an experiment where they asked commuters on trains and buses to do one of three different things. One group was asked to strike up a conversation with the person next to them, the second told not to engage in conversation, and the third was told to just do what they normally did. Before the commute, all the participants were asked which condition they expected to enjoy most (talking or solitude), and after the commute they were asked questions to see how positive they felt.
What Epley and Schroeder found was a mismatch between what people expected and what actually happened. Most people thought they would be happy to keep to themselves, but the results showed that people felt more positive when they had talked to a fellow commuter, even if they had predicted the opposite. So why then don’t we talk to people more often? Maybe because we are worried about being perceived as ‘weird’ or that we might encroach on other’s space and they might not enjoy it.
To look at the response of the other person involved, Epley and Schroeder conducted a further experiment in a laboratory waiting room where they looked at the responses of not just the person initiating the interaction, but also the person being talked to. And guess what - they felt better after being talked to too!
So armed with this knowledge, I thought I would try it out. Luckily for me, before I had a chance to try it on the bus, I found a much more relaxed environment at a Champneys Spa where I was being treated to a couple of nights of rest and relaxation. I was there on my own - I fancied a bit of ‘me’ time without having to fit in with anyone else, but I decided I would make the most of trying to talk to the people around.
I arrived in the afternoon, checked into my room and had a bit of an explore and a swim. I didn’t get much of a chance to chat to anyone, and by then I was wondering if my idea to come on my own was a good one. But as I had checked in I had overheard one of the staff talking to another guest and asking whether they wanted to join a table in the dining room to be with other guests as they were on there own. So determined to make an effort, I marched back to reception, and asked one of the receptionists about the dining arrangements. She told me that yes, there was a table called the Champneys table, and if you were on your own, you could join in at 7pm and have a chance to meet fellow guests whilst eating.
Well, I have to report that talking to strangers on the Champneys table made my stay! That night I met 3 other really interesting ladies, all completely different in ages and backgrounds, but we had a great time talking. We agreed to meet again the next night, when we were joined by a couple more single guests and again enjoyed chatting whist we ate. What was even better was the fact that I then kept bumping into the people I’d talked to the next day, so there was a further chance to chat whilst doing an exercise class, or whilst eating lunch.
One of the guests was particularly interesting to talk to. She was brought up in Scotland and sent to Sunday school in the local Kirk but at an early age she walked out one day declaring that it was a load on nonsense and that she was never going back! At the age of 16 when she was living in London she learnt about buddhism and became a buddhist. She had lived abroad quite a lot with her husband and when she mentioned that she still flew quite often because she was involved with a charity I asked her what the charity was. It turns out she helped set up a monastery in Nepal for buddhist nuns. She was responding to an opportunity to help a friend who she had met in London when they both became buddhists - the friend had spent 12 years in Nepal meditating in a cave and she mentioned a book about it, called “Cave in the Snow”. Wow! How interesting. And to think I could have been dining alone, scrolling through facebook on my phone or reading a book.
I still haven’t initiated a conversation on the bus with someone I don’t know, but maybe I will now. And I can see all around me those little interactions that do us all good. Talking to fellow dog walkers. The English preoccupation with the weather. Chatting to customers in Oxfam. My father who used to be shy who now will chat to just about anyone that he meets given half a chance.
Some people find it easy to chat to people they don’t know, I was a shy child and have overcome that shyness as I’ve grown up, but it still strikes me at times. But it’s good to be reminded that it’s worth making the effort. My son summed it up the other day beautifully for me the other day when he told me that he can talk to just about anyone that he meets now because he’s realised that underneath they are people, just like us.
