Changed your mind? – When changing your mind is good for you

In the last couple of weeks we have all been challenged to look at ourselves and our society and understand the impacts of structural racism. When attitudes and beliefs are part of the fabric of society that we grow up in, they become part of the furniture and we fail to see them for what they are.

 

Some years ago, my husband and I rented a house for six months when we were moving into a new area. A relatively new house, built in traditional brick and flint cottage style and painted cream throughout, it was a lovely cosy house and I loved the style of it. Apart from the light shades. It had bright gingery brown lightshades on the main light and wall lights. I hated the colour. Against the cream walls and carpet they stood out like a sore thumb. As we were only there for six months it wasn’t worth changing them – but every time I walked into the sitting room they annoyed me immensely.

 

Well, for a while anyway. After a while I stopped noticing them and six months later when we moved out, I realised I had got so used to them I hardly noticed them anymore.

 

In the same way as I got used to the lightshades, I think there are sometimes things that we take for granted as part of the furniture, which have been there so long that we fail to notice them anymore. Coupled with that, attitudes have changed over the years, and what was once deemed socially acceptable is now being justly challenged.

 

I was born in the 1960s and brought up by parents who had met whilst working in Senegal in West Africa and believed a person was a person, regardless of the colour of their skin. In the 70 and 80s, I read Cosmopolitan and feminist novels and grew up seeing myself as a feminist – being a girl did not limit my education or work ambitions.  I see myself as non-racist, feminist and accepting of all people regardless of colour, gender and sexual preference. Which is why it comes as a surprise when someone shines the spotlight on things that you have taken for granted and questions the fabric of life that you have accepted as normal. 

 

A few months ago I got into a discussion with my daughter about a once loved story book from my childhood, “Little Black Sambo”. To me, it was an innocent tale with colourful pictures about a boy and a tiger. To my daughter it was deeply racist and full of cultural stereotypes. To start with I robustly defended it – it was written in 1899 and was at the time seen as non-racist as the main character was black which was very unusual at that time. Was it racist if I didn’t see it like that and it wasn’t intended to be at the time?

 

In the wake of the Black Lives Matter movement I am now beginning to understand how we need to always remain open to challenging our own beliefs and assumptions. It is not up to me to decide if something is racist or not as I am not black and have not had to live with all that that entails in the last 50-something years of my life. But I can be open and kind to other people’s points of view and listen with an open heart and sometimes I will have to change my mind about something I once thought true, or maybe didn’t even notice in the first place. 

 

It always amazes me that the press give such a hard time to politicians when they make a change of policy, screaming “Prime Minister makes a U-turn!!!”. Yes, there is benefit to sticking to a course if it’s based on good values and continues to make sense. But it seems much wiser to me to admit that sometimes we are wrong, or didn’t see the whole picture, or that things have changed and that we need to take a new direction in life.

 

The ability to adapt, to change our minds and our actions is what makes us humans such a successful species. From a positive psychology perspective, openness is linked to happiness, positivity, optimism and is part of a mindset that doesn’t just make us feel good, but also has a physical effect on us, improving our health and our longevity.

 

So for our sake and the sake of society, we need to be open and listen to what others have to say. We still might not agree with one another, but the least we can do is to listen and to try to understand where someone else is coming from. If we have children, it’s easy to dismiss their ideas as we think we know best because we are older and wiser. In some cases we may be, but sometimes their fresher view on life holds a mirror up to us and allows  us to see things in a different light. 

 

There are times when we should hold on tight to what we know to be right, but also times when changing our minds is good for us and society. The only way we can know which path to take is to be open and to listen and to gently question ourselves and others.

Top tips for dealing with anxiety in the midst of the Corona Virus lockdown

Acknowledging that we're scared

Firstly, it's OK to feel scared or worried. It's a natural response to the current situation. Even if we're not worried for ourselves we all have friends and family who fall into the 'at risk' category.  So we can acknowledge our feelings and talking through this with others can help.  If you can't talk to someone else, another thing that might help is writing down the things that are worrying you. Writing is an effective way for us to get our thoughts in order and make sense of a situation, and I have found once I've got something down on paper it stops going round in my head.

It's really important to have self-compassion - don't beat yourself up because you feel you aren't coping, we are all human, we are all flawed, we are all in this together.

Limit your exposure to scary news

We all want to know what's happening, but try not to fuel anxieties by feeding the worries all day. I generally listen to the news at breakfast time because you get the main headlines but it's always mixed in with positive stories and interviews too. I generally avoid the 10 o'clock news because doom and gloom before bedtime does not help you sleep well!

So to keep up with what's going on without being overloaded, decide on a time when you will catch up and think about the situation and time box it.  Then once time is up, switch to focussing on something more fun or productive.

Use social media wisely

 If you have friends on Facebook that keep posting scary stories you might want to unfollow them for a while which means you still remain friends, but their stuff won't keep coming up in your feed. You can still go to their pages to catch up once in a while. 

Instead, use FB and other media to spread messages of hope and cheer and to connect to people. One of my friends has started a daily gratitude post and has invited her friends to join in. Now is the time to celebrate small victories - yesterday for me it was managing to place an online order of fresh vegetables!

Don't believe everything you read on Social Media

When something is forwarded to us from a friend that we know and trust we tend to believe that it must be true, but they've got it from someone, who got it from someone - the internet is rife with rumours such as gargling can prevent Covid-19. So check out your facts. Sometimes simply googling a key phrase you can easily debunk advice flying round the internet. Sometimes the main news channels get the wrong end of the stick too, or inflate things to make gripping headlines, so always take what you read with a pinch of salt, and if you want to know more, check your facts.

Connect with friends

This is really, really important. Whether we are extroverts or introverts, human beings are all social animals and we need social contact for mental health. Ok, so we can't see our friends face to face, but we can message them, phone them, zoom them. A couple of days ago I met online on Zoom with 5 friends for a virtual book group meeting - it wasn't quite as good as the real thing, but it was great to actually see one another and catch up with how we are all coping.

If you are feeling anxious, find a friend to talk to who you know will be a good listener and make you feel better by chatting to you. But also, make sure you listen to them too and see if you can help them, or someone else who is worried. Helping other people makes us feel good.

Connect with strangers

One of the lovely things I've noticed this last week is how friendly everyone is when you do see someone (from a safe distance) in the outside world if you are out doing essential errands or exercising.  And last night down our quiet cul-de-sac we went outside to clap for the NHS at 8pm - we could hear our neighbours clapping and cheers and claps from even further away in the village, it was a wonderful feeling to feel so connected to other people that we couldn't see or talk to.

The response to the government's call for volunteers to help the NHS has also been amazing, and it shows how most people are keen to help others - so if you can help someone else then do so, and if you need help, don't be afraid to reach out.

Exercise and the natural world

Don't forget the importance of exercise - it's not just about physical health, but getting moving is so important for us mentally too. Connecting with nature also makes us feel good, so get outside if you can and walk, run or cycle whilst keeping yourself at a safe distance from others and focus on the trees, flowers and the recent sunshine in the UK.

If you have a garden, get outside as much as you can.

If you can't get out, find something to do inside - a friend of mine shared a top tip that if you are feeling down, put on some music you love and do bad dancing in front of a mirror to make yourself laugh.

Do something you love to do

To stop yourself ruminating, find something that you love to do to distract yourself. Reading, being creative, finding a good box set, playing the guitar, doing bad dancing to happy songs - whatever floats your boat. 

When a close friend of mine was really struggling with depression, her therapist pointed out to her that she was so busy trying to do things that should help her in the future, she had stopped doing the things that she enjoyed right now. It doesn't have to be productive, it doesn't have to be purposeful, it can be silly and pointless, but if it makes you feel good, then make time to do it.

Laugh out loud

Laughter is good for us - it is a great stress relief and releases endorphins that make us feel good and actually block out physical pain. So watch comedy, share funny memes, or even try fake laughter. This might sound bizarre, but in the mid 90s an Indian doctor Madan Kataria came up with the idea of laughter yoga - combining breathing exercises with making yourself laugh. If you want to know more, try looking on Youtube for videos of laughter yoga. I tried it recently when staying away from home in the bathroom of the hotel watching myself in the mirror - you start going "ho ho ho" and pretending to laugh, but watching yourself in the mirror, you look so ridiculous that soon the fake laughter turns to real. Bizarre, but surprisingly effective!

Look for the positive with gratitude

Lastly, my favourite way of keeping positive is to focus on things that we are grateful for. I found writing down 3 good things in a journal before I went to bed very effective at helping me sleep better, plus you start to look for the positive every day rather than focussing on the negative. Or if you don't fancy writing, choose a time every day, such as brushing your teeth when you will consciously think about what you are grateful for. Or do as one of my friends did and add a marble to a glass vase every time you think of something to be grateful for. He did this over a number of weeks and by the end the jar was overflowing. This would also work really well with children as it's a physical representation of all those good thoughts.

So in these scary times, I hope that you might have gained something from my list of strategies to dampen anxiety and to help yourself feel good. Feel free to share any other ideas that you have, it's always good to hear from others.

I hope you and your family and friends stay safe and well.